Believe

Why, hello.  Long time no see.

I last wrote on this blog about two years ago - is that right - maybe even longer?  A lot has taken place in that time - my husband has been through three jobs, my little girl is growing up in front of my eyes, my mother was diagnosed with diabetes.  Me?  I'm still at the same job, still taking care of everyone, and I'm up about 30 pounds.

That last part kind of makes all of those previous posts look like bullshit, huh?

I'm a giver-upper.  I never complete anything I start.  I get bored, or, more likely, I feel that it's taking too long and I'll never succeed anyway, so why bother?  I like to craft, but I only pick crafts that take about three hours at most to complete.  

As I sit here writing, I'm already thinking that I won't finish this blog post.  I have nothing to say (but SO MUCH to say).

I've been overweight or obese pretty much my whole life.  Always the tallest girl, and overweight, I never had a boyfriend.  My parents kindly went into debt the summer before my senior year of high school to pay for Nutrisystem - it worked and I lost weight, but I was still overweight.  Then I went to college and gained it all back, plus more.  I graduated and went back to live at home, gradually putting on even more weight.

When I was 28, I was in my friend's wedding.  I had to pay more for a bigger dress in a size 30.  

About 10 months before I turned 30, my friend called one day and asked if I wanted to join Weight Watchers with her.  I really didn't, but it was something to do, so I did.  I weighed in at 274.6 pounds.  

For the first time, I did well with losing weight.  By the time I was 30, I was about 210 and my friend and I celebrated our birthdays on a Caribbean cruise.  We bought cute dresses and even worked out during the cruise.

At 31, I got down to a bit below 200 - started online dating - and immediately met and fell in love with my current husband.  Of course, all of that dating let to weight gain.  I kept gaining over the next few years, through a wedding and a pregnancy.  At 36, I had a toddler, and a job of 14 years that was coming to a bitter end.  So I ate.  Back to 250.

Luckily I landed a new job just as the last job was ending.  I was surprised that anyone even wanted to hire me based on my weight.  I was uncomfortable - I had back and foot problems.  I remember huffing and puffing walking from my car to the building where I interviewed.  

Another friend was hired at the same company as me about a year later - she was also overweight and wanted to get healthy, so we joined Weight Watchers At Work and we both did well with each other's help.  I started working out regularly at home - at some point I actually felt fit and like an athlete.

That picture over there on the right?  That was at my 40th birthday party - so about 3 1/2 years ago.  When I think of being happy, I think of that picture.  Turning 40 didn't bother me one bit - it's just a number.  My friend and I had planned a big party for our 40th - our birthdays are just a month apart.  I had lots of friends and family coming to celebrate with me.  I was at my lowest adult weight and working out regularly and feeling so fit.  I had just gotten my hair died blonde the night before - I had always wanted to try it - and it looked great.  

My lowest weight, in that picture, was about 180.  Not an ideal weight for my height, but I was happy with it.  Yes, I could have worked harder and gone lower, but then I would have "finished" something.  

I sit here today, 43 years old, 211 pounds.  Eleven of those pounds were gained since November.  In November I felt that I needed a "break" from worrying about food.  Although, gaining 20 pounds over the previous year doesn't sound like I was very serious about it in the first place.  

I've been struggling.  Trying to find my way and my happiness again.  I've been pouring over the numerous weight-loss blogs that I've been reading for years as inspiration.  I've started back to Weight Watchers, and with exercise.  (By started back, I mean just today!)  I've been meeting with a good friend who is a Reiki and I believe she can help me.

Believe.  I need to believe in myself.  Believe that I can loose weight.  Believe that I can make time for myself.  Believe that I can be fit and healthy.  Believe that I can be a good roll model for my daughter.  Believe that I can accomplish something, anything.

Believe.

Believe.

Believe.

Well look at that.  I finished a blog post.