This girl…..

This girl 

is not this girl.

And that's OK!


THIS GIRL:

• gained 30 pounds
• isn't blonde
• squeezes into her clothes that are too tight
• yells at her daughter for little things
• gets angry at small issues
• is 3 1/2 years older
• has back pains

But that's OK too.  Because,

THIS GIRL:

• is happy
• is a good mother
• loves her husband very much
• has a daughter and husband that love her very much
• has lots of great friends
• likes to craft
• is a hard worker
• is organized
• keeps everyone else in line
• likes a good party
• LIKES to exercise
• is fun
• laughs A LOT
• was nominated for an award at work
• plans lots of big events for a major university
• plans great birthday parties for her daughter
• loves her family
• loves Disney
• likes to dance

I think that's pretty fair.

Progress

Progress.  It doesn't mean a number on a scale, or a size on your pants.

To me, it means making strides toward a goal. 

And I'm doing it.

I started my experiment several weeks ago, and I'm keeping up with it.  The number on the scale and the size on my pants have stayed about the same.

In the past, that would have scared the shit out of me.

This time, I'm grateful.  Grateful for my own patience, grateful for myself, grateful for time, grateful for my family, and grateful for my good friend, Angie.

Angie has kind of turned into my life coach (whether she knows it or not.)   She has been a rock.  When I feel out of control, or sad, or happy, or I'm in pain, she knows just what to say and how to say it.  She sends me the most perfect articles or websites that she knows I need just at that moment.

Angie has been teaching me how I need to take care of and love myself, before I can help others, or even move on to my own goals.  

Although I'm somewhat of a perfectionist and have no patience, she knows how to put me in my place and tell me to slow down.   She can even make me calm and relaxed when there is a jackhammer digging up the street right outside the window.  

And I need that, at least for right now.  

I'm making progress.  I can feel things changing, and I can sense that, deep inside my soul, there is a stirring.  Something needs to come out.  I don't know what, but I'm so excited to see what it will be.

Sorry! And the Experiment.

Sorry that I've been MIA for a while.  It's been a crazy week.  Mom fights, weather, general stress.

Update:  my mom does love me, even though she doesn't say it, but she heard my concerns and actually said it the other day.  And I'm OK with that.

So, my experiment.  I'm a week and a half in, and I'm LOVING it.  I might even say that I'm starting to feel….normal.

Jen is getting normal????

Now, I know that this is not permanent.  I will slip.  I may even gain weight - but not a lot.  I haven't had a lot of temptations, but I know they will come.

I have eaten mindfully.  I've even had one of those damn chocolate-covered pretzels almost each work day - but only one.  I haven't wanted to have more.  I've packed my lunches, and made healthy foods for dinner.  I've worked out in some way most days, still nursing my aching back.  I walked a 5k on the treadmill on Saturday as part of a virtual 5k hosted by another blogger.  I went to a Night at the Races this weekend, and while I did have too many adult drinks, I was very good with the endless food that was there.

I lost 1.8 pounds last week.

I know that I am not "cured."

But I'm starting to feel that this must be how regular people go about their day.  They are not thinking about what food they will eat that day, or how many points the food is, or how many points they have left.

I don't plan to just start dropping pounds by doing this.  But my hope is that this is retraining my brain to think about food when needed in a healthy manner.

I'm looking forward to the rest of the week, and ahead to "normal."

I (don't) love you.

I realized something last night.  It made me sad.

I cannot remember one time when my mother has said the words "I love you" to me.

Yes, she does lots of things for me, and I'm pretty sure that she does love me, but she's never said it.  

I'm married and have a daughter. We NEVER leave each other (going to school, leaving the house, saying goodnight, hanging up the phone) without saying "I love you."

My good friends and I close our emails with those words - at least "love you."

But my own mother has never said it.  

We had a big fight the other afternoon, and we haven't talked since.  We are very different people, and that's fine.  All humans are different, even mothers and their children.   But it's not right that the things that are different are maligned.  

In any case, there's no "I love you."  I never really thought about it much until last night.

It's burning in my heart - it feels like something has to break out.

Maybe this will explain some things?

The Pretzels

Yesterday I wrote about the Pretzels.  They consumed my thoughts for over 24 hours.

Today - not so much.

Yes, I ate one.  Just a few moments ago.  And I ENJOYED it.

Here's why:

As if by some miracle, my good friend Ang (short for Angela) emailed me.  She has been my rock for a while now.  The subject of the email was "Checking Up on You."  

For the past few months, Ang has been my "spiritual" mentor - she's training in Reiki and I was dying to give it a try (but that's a story for another day.)  She KNOWS me.  Really KNOWS me.

I wrote back to her about the Pretzels.  She understood.  She asked me WHY I wanted the Pretzels.

I thought about it all afternoon.  In the car.  Making dinner.  I couldn't think of a reason that I wanted them.  Other than I just wanted one and I should be able to have one, but I'm trying to lose weight and I shouldn't (couldn't) have one.

It upset me that I couldn't think of any good reason why I obsessed over them all day long.  They are fucking pretzels!!!!

But all of that made me realize something.  I'm putting too much pressure on myself.

Over the holidays, I binge-ate like crazy.  There were no rules, other than it had to be edible and not make me sick.  I'm not picky.  There was no rule that it couldn't have previously been on the floor.

So, January 1, I'm back to wearing my Fitbit, watching my steps and calories burned, and following Weight Watchers. How many points do I have left?  How many points is this apple?

I moved from one addiction to another.

It's too much.

So I am doing an experiment.

For the next two weeks, I am not going to "diet."  

I am going to be mindful of what I eat.  

I will buy healthy, real foods for our house.

I will order mindfully at a restaurants and not gobble down everything without even thinking about it.

Yes, I need to lose weight - I am in the obese range on the BMI scale.  But I NEED to find out why I love/need to eat as much as I do.  And I have to stop it.

Lurking….

There they are.  Just sitting there.  Staring at me.  All I can do is think about THEM.  They're so pretty!  And there are so many of them.  They're taunting me.  All fancy and beautiful.  They're so close - I can almost touch them.

Chocolate-covered pretzels.  A whole basket of them.  Big ones.  Some have nuts on them too.  Oh, and there are even some chocolate-covered oreos and rice krispie treats.

They're all I've thought about since yesterday afternoon.

Not about how wonderful they are - but how afraid I am of them.

Luckily they didn't arrive until about an hour before I was leaving them for the night.  But I thought about them all night.  And then all morning, even while I was doing my morning work-out.  

How on earth would I get through 8 hours of their wonderfulness without eating one?

I knew that I couldn't have just one.  Not an addict like me.

(I can see them right now, out of the corner of my eye.  "Jen!  Over here!  We're lonely!")

Why can't I be "normal?"  I'm sure that the other women in my office aren't thinking about them.  I haven't seen anyone even near them today.  Why can't I just have one and then that would be the end of it?  

I'm angry that they have so much control over me.  

But not for long.  

Friend Makin' Monday

Trying this out again this week:

If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section here at: www.alltheweigh.com so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!

Taboo Topics

1. Are you a registered voter?  Yep.

2. Do you believe in GOD?  I don't believe in any one god.  Who am I to say that the people who follow different religions are wrong?

3. How has your readership changed since you first began blogging? Well, I've probably had three readers total, so not much!

4.  If you could choose between a serious relationship or $100,000, which would you choose?  Serious relationship - the 11 years with my husband are worth way more than $100,000.

5. Have you ever changed political parties?  No.

6.  If you were put in a position in which you had to be in a room with someone that you can’t stand, how would you handle the situation? It's happened before.  I try my best to ignore said person.

7.  Do you ever eat in secret because you don’t want anyone to see what you consume?  I've done it before - I know I did it around the holidays - but I'm trying to break myself of that.

8.  Do you use curse words in your daily conversations?  I don't.  I use them from time to time, and my husband usually laughs at me because he's not used to me talking that way.

9.  How much do you tip when you’ve had decent service at a restaurant?  Decent service gets 15%.  If they are really good, they get 20%.

10.  How do you respond when someone confronts you?  I usually get anxious and tongue-tied.  I don't like confrontation.

Now it’s your turn to answer this week’s questions.  Don’t forget to come back and link up in the comments.  Happy Monday!

Change is Coming...

I can't quite explain it, but I can feel it.  It's coming…

Change.  

I usually don't like change. I've been at my job for 8 years.  I was at my previous job for 14 years - I started there right after I graduated college.

But I am welcoming this change.  With open arms.

I need to change my trajectory.  Can't keep going down this road.  A journey of 1000 miles starts with a single step.

I can taste it…...

Friend Makin Monday

A blogger that I've read for quite a while started this years ago - so I'm finally going to oblige!

If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section here at: www.alltheweigh.com so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!

Friend Makin’ Mondays

1.  What has been your happiest moment in 2014 so far?  On Friday, one of the inspirational email sites sent a message that it was the first day of the most exciting times of my life.   I immediately took that to mean that my husband was going to get the great job that he was interviewing that day.  Shortly thereafter, he texted me to say that the interview was postponed.  I was upset - but then I realized that the the first day of the most exciting time of MY life should be about ME!!  I thought about the changes that I want to make this year - from getting healthy, to making more time to do the things that I like to do - and that made me very happy!

2. Share the last compliment you received.  Gee - I don't even know.  At a party on Saturday night, a friend said they liked the dip I bought.  Lame, I know.

3.  What is one thing that you plan to accomplish in the next week? I NEED to get moving this week, as in moving my body.  I vow to get back to exercise this week!

4.  What is your favorite TV show currently on air? The Goldbergs

5.  If you could go anywhere in the world free for the next two weeks, where you go?  Disney World.  I love my Disney!

6.  Describe a significant event in your life that caused you to change your values system.  I've been going to see my good friend that is practicing her Reiki training.  While I haven't totally changed my values system, I have been thinking more about happiness and how I need to see the good in what I currently have, and not always think about what I don't have.

7.  What made you decide to live where you currently live?  I'm a born and bread Pittsburgher - a no-brainer.

8.  What is the first thing that comes to mind when you think about GOD? That it's a sham.  Not that I don't believe that there may be a God - but who am I to say that there is only one, and that all of the people who believe in other religions are wrong?  I do not practice any religion.

9.  If you could have a long conversation with someone famous (and alive now) who would you choose?  I honestly don't know, and I've been sitting here for a free minutes trying to think of someone.  I don't watch a lot of TV or movies, so I can't think of anyone in particular that I love. Maybe I should go out of the box - maybe Barack Obama?  I guess he qualifies as famous!

10.  List three things that you’re thankful for today.  

• That my daughter and husband are safe and healthy.
• I'm able to work from home tomorrow, rather than travel in with the bitter temperatures.
• My hubby FINALLY had his interview for that job this morning and it went well.

Now it’s your turn to answer this week’s questions on your blog.  Don’t forget to come back and link up in the comments.  I’ve been gone for a while, but I hope that you all will welcome me back into your blogging world.  Happy Monday, and Happy New Year!

Believe

Why, hello.  Long time no see.

I last wrote on this blog about two years ago - is that right - maybe even longer?  A lot has taken place in that time - my husband has been through three jobs, my little girl is growing up in front of my eyes, my mother was diagnosed with diabetes.  Me?  I'm still at the same job, still taking care of everyone, and I'm up about 30 pounds.

That last part kind of makes all of those previous posts look like bullshit, huh?

I'm a giver-upper.  I never complete anything I start.  I get bored, or, more likely, I feel that it's taking too long and I'll never succeed anyway, so why bother?  I like to craft, but I only pick crafts that take about three hours at most to complete.  

As I sit here writing, I'm already thinking that I won't finish this blog post.  I have nothing to say (but SO MUCH to say).

I've been overweight or obese pretty much my whole life.  Always the tallest girl, and overweight, I never had a boyfriend.  My parents kindly went into debt the summer before my senior year of high school to pay for Nutrisystem - it worked and I lost weight, but I was still overweight.  Then I went to college and gained it all back, plus more.  I graduated and went back to live at home, gradually putting on even more weight.

When I was 28, I was in my friend's wedding.  I had to pay more for a bigger dress in a size 30.  

About 10 months before I turned 30, my friend called one day and asked if I wanted to join Weight Watchers with her.  I really didn't, but it was something to do, so I did.  I weighed in at 274.6 pounds.  

For the first time, I did well with losing weight.  By the time I was 30, I was about 210 and my friend and I celebrated our birthdays on a Caribbean cruise.  We bought cute dresses and even worked out during the cruise.

At 31, I got down to a bit below 200 - started online dating - and immediately met and fell in love with my current husband.  Of course, all of that dating let to weight gain.  I kept gaining over the next few years, through a wedding and a pregnancy.  At 36, I had a toddler, and a job of 14 years that was coming to a bitter end.  So I ate.  Back to 250.

Luckily I landed a new job just as the last job was ending.  I was surprised that anyone even wanted to hire me based on my weight.  I was uncomfortable - I had back and foot problems.  I remember huffing and puffing walking from my car to the building where I interviewed.  

Another friend was hired at the same company as me about a year later - she was also overweight and wanted to get healthy, so we joined Weight Watchers At Work and we both did well with each other's help.  I started working out regularly at home - at some point I actually felt fit and like an athlete.

That picture over there on the right?  That was at my 40th birthday party - so about 3 1/2 years ago.  When I think of being happy, I think of that picture.  Turning 40 didn't bother me one bit - it's just a number.  My friend and I had planned a big party for our 40th - our birthdays are just a month apart.  I had lots of friends and family coming to celebrate with me.  I was at my lowest adult weight and working out regularly and feeling so fit.  I had just gotten my hair died blonde the night before - I had always wanted to try it - and it looked great.  

My lowest weight, in that picture, was about 180.  Not an ideal weight for my height, but I was happy with it.  Yes, I could have worked harder and gone lower, but then I would have "finished" something.  

I sit here today, 43 years old, 211 pounds.  Eleven of those pounds were gained since November.  In November I felt that I needed a "break" from worrying about food.  Although, gaining 20 pounds over the previous year doesn't sound like I was very serious about it in the first place.  

I've been struggling.  Trying to find my way and my happiness again.  I've been pouring over the numerous weight-loss blogs that I've been reading for years as inspiration.  I've started back to Weight Watchers, and with exercise.  (By started back, I mean just today!)  I've been meeting with a good friend who is a Reiki and I believe she can help me.

Believe.  I need to believe in myself.  Believe that I can loose weight.  Believe that I can make time for myself.  Believe that I can be fit and healthy.  Believe that I can be a good roll model for my daughter.  Believe that I can accomplish something, anything.

Believe.

Believe.

Believe.

Well look at that.  I finished a blog post.