The Pretzels

Yesterday I wrote about the Pretzels.  They consumed my thoughts for over 24 hours.

Today - not so much.

Yes, I ate one.  Just a few moments ago.  And I ENJOYED it.

Here's why:

As if by some miracle, my good friend Ang (short for Angela) emailed me.  She has been my rock for a while now.  The subject of the email was "Checking Up on You."  

For the past few months, Ang has been my "spiritual" mentor - she's training in Reiki and I was dying to give it a try (but that's a story for another day.)  She KNOWS me.  Really KNOWS me.

I wrote back to her about the Pretzels.  She understood.  She asked me WHY I wanted the Pretzels.

I thought about it all afternoon.  In the car.  Making dinner.  I couldn't think of a reason that I wanted them.  Other than I just wanted one and I should be able to have one, but I'm trying to lose weight and I shouldn't (couldn't) have one.

It upset me that I couldn't think of any good reason why I obsessed over them all day long.  They are fucking pretzels!!!!

But all of that made me realize something.  I'm putting too much pressure on myself.

Over the holidays, I binge-ate like crazy.  There were no rules, other than it had to be edible and not make me sick.  I'm not picky.  There was no rule that it couldn't have previously been on the floor.

So, January 1, I'm back to wearing my Fitbit, watching my steps and calories burned, and following Weight Watchers. How many points do I have left?  How many points is this apple?

I moved from one addiction to another.

It's too much.

So I am doing an experiment.

For the next two weeks, I am not going to "diet."  

I am going to be mindful of what I eat.  

I will buy healthy, real foods for our house.

I will order mindfully at a restaurants and not gobble down everything without even thinking about it.

Yes, I need to lose weight - I am in the obese range on the BMI scale.  But I NEED to find out why I love/need to eat as much as I do.  And I have to stop it.