This girl…..

This girl 

is not this girl.

And that's OK!


THIS GIRL:

• gained 30 pounds
• isn't blonde
• squeezes into her clothes that are too tight
• yells at her daughter for little things
• gets angry at small issues
• is 3 1/2 years older
• has back pains

But that's OK too.  Because,

THIS GIRL:

• is happy
• is a good mother
• loves her husband very much
• has a daughter and husband that love her very much
• has lots of great friends
• likes to craft
• is a hard worker
• is organized
• keeps everyone else in line
• likes a good party
• LIKES to exercise
• is fun
• laughs A LOT
• was nominated for an award at work
• plans lots of big events for a major university
• plans great birthday parties for her daughter
• loves her family
• loves Disney
• likes to dance

I think that's pretty fair.

Progress

Progress.  It doesn't mean a number on a scale, or a size on your pants.

To me, it means making strides toward a goal. 

And I'm doing it.

I started my experiment several weeks ago, and I'm keeping up with it.  The number on the scale and the size on my pants have stayed about the same.

In the past, that would have scared the shit out of me.

This time, I'm grateful.  Grateful for my own patience, grateful for myself, grateful for time, grateful for my family, and grateful for my good friend, Angie.

Angie has kind of turned into my life coach (whether she knows it or not.)   She has been a rock.  When I feel out of control, or sad, or happy, or I'm in pain, she knows just what to say and how to say it.  She sends me the most perfect articles or websites that she knows I need just at that moment.

Angie has been teaching me how I need to take care of and love myself, before I can help others, or even move on to my own goals.  

Although I'm somewhat of a perfectionist and have no patience, she knows how to put me in my place and tell me to slow down.   She can even make me calm and relaxed when there is a jackhammer digging up the street right outside the window.  

And I need that, at least for right now.  

I'm making progress.  I can feel things changing, and I can sense that, deep inside my soul, there is a stirring.  Something needs to come out.  I don't know what, but I'm so excited to see what it will be.

Sorry! And the Experiment.

Sorry that I've been MIA for a while.  It's been a crazy week.  Mom fights, weather, general stress.

Update:  my mom does love me, even though she doesn't say it, but she heard my concerns and actually said it the other day.  And I'm OK with that.

So, my experiment.  I'm a week and a half in, and I'm LOVING it.  I might even say that I'm starting to feel….normal.

Jen is getting normal????

Now, I know that this is not permanent.  I will slip.  I may even gain weight - but not a lot.  I haven't had a lot of temptations, but I know they will come.

I have eaten mindfully.  I've even had one of those damn chocolate-covered pretzels almost each work day - but only one.  I haven't wanted to have more.  I've packed my lunches, and made healthy foods for dinner.  I've worked out in some way most days, still nursing my aching back.  I walked a 5k on the treadmill on Saturday as part of a virtual 5k hosted by another blogger.  I went to a Night at the Races this weekend, and while I did have too many adult drinks, I was very good with the endless food that was there.

I lost 1.8 pounds last week.

I know that I am not "cured."

But I'm starting to feel that this must be how regular people go about their day.  They are not thinking about what food they will eat that day, or how many points the food is, or how many points they have left.

I don't plan to just start dropping pounds by doing this.  But my hope is that this is retraining my brain to think about food when needed in a healthy manner.

I'm looking forward to the rest of the week, and ahead to "normal."

I (don't) love you.

I realized something last night.  It made me sad.

I cannot remember one time when my mother has said the words "I love you" to me.

Yes, she does lots of things for me, and I'm pretty sure that she does love me, but she's never said it.  

I'm married and have a daughter. We NEVER leave each other (going to school, leaving the house, saying goodnight, hanging up the phone) without saying "I love you."

My good friends and I close our emails with those words - at least "love you."

But my own mother has never said it.  

We had a big fight the other afternoon, and we haven't talked since.  We are very different people, and that's fine.  All humans are different, even mothers and their children.   But it's not right that the things that are different are maligned.  

In any case, there's no "I love you."  I never really thought about it much until last night.

It's burning in my heart - it feels like something has to break out.

Maybe this will explain some things?

The Pretzels

Yesterday I wrote about the Pretzels.  They consumed my thoughts for over 24 hours.

Today - not so much.

Yes, I ate one.  Just a few moments ago.  And I ENJOYED it.

Here's why:

As if by some miracle, my good friend Ang (short for Angela) emailed me.  She has been my rock for a while now.  The subject of the email was "Checking Up on You."  

For the past few months, Ang has been my "spiritual" mentor - she's training in Reiki and I was dying to give it a try (but that's a story for another day.)  She KNOWS me.  Really KNOWS me.

I wrote back to her about the Pretzels.  She understood.  She asked me WHY I wanted the Pretzels.

I thought about it all afternoon.  In the car.  Making dinner.  I couldn't think of a reason that I wanted them.  Other than I just wanted one and I should be able to have one, but I'm trying to lose weight and I shouldn't (couldn't) have one.

It upset me that I couldn't think of any good reason why I obsessed over them all day long.  They are fucking pretzels!!!!

But all of that made me realize something.  I'm putting too much pressure on myself.

Over the holidays, I binge-ate like crazy.  There were no rules, other than it had to be edible and not make me sick.  I'm not picky.  There was no rule that it couldn't have previously been on the floor.

So, January 1, I'm back to wearing my Fitbit, watching my steps and calories burned, and following Weight Watchers. How many points do I have left?  How many points is this apple?

I moved from one addiction to another.

It's too much.

So I am doing an experiment.

For the next two weeks, I am not going to "diet."  

I am going to be mindful of what I eat.  

I will buy healthy, real foods for our house.

I will order mindfully at a restaurants and not gobble down everything without even thinking about it.

Yes, I need to lose weight - I am in the obese range on the BMI scale.  But I NEED to find out why I love/need to eat as much as I do.  And I have to stop it.

Lurking….

There they are.  Just sitting there.  Staring at me.  All I can do is think about THEM.  They're so pretty!  And there are so many of them.  They're taunting me.  All fancy and beautiful.  They're so close - I can almost touch them.

Chocolate-covered pretzels.  A whole basket of them.  Big ones.  Some have nuts on them too.  Oh, and there are even some chocolate-covered oreos and rice krispie treats.

They're all I've thought about since yesterday afternoon.

Not about how wonderful they are - but how afraid I am of them.

Luckily they didn't arrive until about an hour before I was leaving them for the night.  But I thought about them all night.  And then all morning, even while I was doing my morning work-out.  

How on earth would I get through 8 hours of their wonderfulness without eating one?

I knew that I couldn't have just one.  Not an addict like me.

(I can see them right now, out of the corner of my eye.  "Jen!  Over here!  We're lonely!")

Why can't I be "normal?"  I'm sure that the other women in my office aren't thinking about them.  I haven't seen anyone even near them today.  Why can't I just have one and then that would be the end of it?  

I'm angry that they have so much control over me.  

But not for long.  

Friend Makin' Monday

Trying this out again this week:

If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section here at: www.alltheweigh.com so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!

Taboo Topics

1. Are you a registered voter?  Yep.

2. Do you believe in GOD?  I don't believe in any one god.  Who am I to say that the people who follow different religions are wrong?

3. How has your readership changed since you first began blogging? Well, I've probably had three readers total, so not much!

4.  If you could choose between a serious relationship or $100,000, which would you choose?  Serious relationship - the 11 years with my husband are worth way more than $100,000.

5. Have you ever changed political parties?  No.

6.  If you were put in a position in which you had to be in a room with someone that you can’t stand, how would you handle the situation? It's happened before.  I try my best to ignore said person.

7.  Do you ever eat in secret because you don’t want anyone to see what you consume?  I've done it before - I know I did it around the holidays - but I'm trying to break myself of that.

8.  Do you use curse words in your daily conversations?  I don't.  I use them from time to time, and my husband usually laughs at me because he's not used to me talking that way.

9.  How much do you tip when you’ve had decent service at a restaurant?  Decent service gets 15%.  If they are really good, they get 20%.

10.  How do you respond when someone confronts you?  I usually get anxious and tongue-tied.  I don't like confrontation.

Now it’s your turn to answer this week’s questions.  Don’t forget to come back and link up in the comments.  Happy Monday!